Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
