so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
