At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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