bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
