i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
