My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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