I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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