I love black thongs
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
