A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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