Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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