he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
