i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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