just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
