Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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