Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
