Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Randomize
