it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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