I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
