I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
