if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
