I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
