I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
