you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
