hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
