I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
