There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
