People in love make me want to vomit
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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