Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
