he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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