Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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