that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
