what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
