I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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