I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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