I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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