I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
