Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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