He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
