The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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