new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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