So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
