Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
