got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
