my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Everclear isn't food dammit
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
