Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
