new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
