I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
