Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
