so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
