what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
