dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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