I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
